The holidays, a time where families and friends can get together to talk, to laugh — or get into screaming arguments. There are plenty of reasons togetherness can turn into tension — maybe that cousin you mostly love has that one opinion on politics or world events you just can’t stand, or that one nosy grandparent won’t stop asking about your life choices. Perhaps someone at the table is struggling with a substance abuse issue or a mental health concern. And don’t forget that person who is just mean and miserable and spoiling for a fight. It can be enough to make you want to hit the eggnog extra hard. But experts in psychology and mental health say it doesn’t have to be that way, and they offer suggestions for how to help manage gatherings that might be less than jolly:
Quick Read
- Understanding the Reason for Attending Tense Gatherings:
- Expert: Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D, a licensed clinical psychologist.
- Advice: Be clear about why you’re attending, to avoid feeling trapped or resentful.
- Avoiding Unrealistic Holiday Expectations:
- Expert: Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D., graduate clinical mental health program, College of William & Mary.
- Insight: Dispel the myth of holiday gatherings magically healing strained relationships.
- Focus: Change your approach to the relationship and situation, not the person.
- Steering Clear of Controversial Topics:
- Expert: Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author.
- Suggestion: Recognize it’s okay to avoid discussing politics or divisive issues.
- Perspective: Maintaining a relationship without needing to cover every topic.
- Effective Communication in Disagreements:
- Expert: Tania Israel, Ph.D., University of California, Santa Barbara.
- Strategy: Seek understanding, not victory in debates.
- Technique: Ask about the other person’s views and experiences rather than arguing.
- Self-Care During Stressful Family Gatherings:
- Expert: Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D.
- Recommendations: Engage in activities that provide peace or distraction.
- Suggestion: Celebrate the season with supportive people to create meaningful experiences.
The Associated Press has the story:
Holiday family fights? But there are ways to try to sidestep the drama
Newslooks- (AP)
KNOW YOUR “WHY”
It’s important for people to know why they are going into situations they know could be tense or worse, says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D, a licensed clinical psychologist who talks about the damage of narcissistic relationships.
Whether that’s because there are other relatives they want to see or some other reason that is worth the potential drama, it’s vital “to be clear on the reason,” she says, “because otherwise you feel like you’re just sort of a moth to the flame.”
DON’T FALL FOR THE HOLIDAY HYPE
Watch enough holiday movies, and you could be lulled into thinking that a time of year where messages of hope and redemption are everywhere means your relationship with that conflict-prone person you have fought with in most other moments of your life will also somehow magically be all sunshine and roses.
“There’s that kind of relationship-healing fantasy,” says Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D., who teaches in the graduate clinical mental health program at the College of William & Mary in Virginia. She says people want to believe “maybe this time it will be different, instead of just radically accepting that it probably won’t be any different. But what can be different is the way that you approach the relationship and you approach the situation.”
SOME SUBJECTS MIGHT BE BETTER OFF AVOIDED
With everything going on in the world today, it probably wouldn’t be difficult to have that political issue or current event where you find yourself diametrically opposed to someone you otherwise think well of. Well, you don’t have to talk about it, says Jeanne Safer, Ph. D., psychotherapist and author of, “I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics.”
“I think people have a great deal of difficulty realizing that they can care about somebody and have a lot in common and all of those kinds of things and not be able to talk about politics,” she says. “You don’t have to talk about everything.”
BUT IF YOU DO, THE GOAL IS COMMUNICATION, NOT CASTIGATION
“Don’t go in trying to convince them that you’re right and they’re wrong,” says Tania Israel, Ph. D., professor at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “What’s best is to go in trying to understand them and communicate that you care.”
If someone says something you disagree with, she says, you can say, “Tell me how you came to form that opinion, tell me a little bit about the connection that you have to that issue, what makes that so important to you, and ask them questions.”
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
If you know your holiday family situation is likely to be tough, find ways to give yourself some moments of peace or distraction, Durvasula says, like going for a walk or taking some time to read a book or meditate. And don’t overlook that it is the holiday season.
“Find a way to commemorate or celebrate with healthy people, whoever those who might be,” she says. “They might be a subset of your family. They may be friends, they may be colleagues, whoever they are, do that. So at least you feel that there’s something that happened during that holiday season that felt meaningful to you.”
